Just cropdusted the office
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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