walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
