When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
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Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
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People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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