Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
