Michael Bay diarrhea
someone owes me an orgasm
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You made out with two different species that night
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
