So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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