Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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