I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
