hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
