seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
