Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
