I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize