my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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