Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
