I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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