I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
