what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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