he thought i was a dude.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
