Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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