yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i may or may not be watching the land before time
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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