apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
