Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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