it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
