um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
