im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
