Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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