i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
