This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
