Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
