There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
