well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
