dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
