legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
