I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
