So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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