Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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