the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
