I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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