I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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