The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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