so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
