I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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