after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
