I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
