paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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