Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
