Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
