just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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