I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
