he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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