I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
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