my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows