I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"