I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?