If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
i drank out of a bidet.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.