She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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