The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
