My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
the liver wants what the liver wants
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
