seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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