I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
