I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I think I just sharted jello shots
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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