Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize