I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
