i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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