I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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