Just fell off a train. Bad.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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