Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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