I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
