i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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