Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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