p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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