we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
please come you make the beer taste better
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
